The Wheel of Life

The Wheel of Life.
At its center?
Love.
A central axis from which all things manifest.
An ever continuing cycle.
What we pour into love, radiates outwards, and then ultimately back into itself.

Each heartbeat.
Each breath.
Each thought.

All moments that exist within a grand, non-linear spectrum of space and time.
Floating between you and me.
Building a shimmering, intricate web of subtle energies that pave the way for divine connection.

When your heart beats, my heart beat becomes your heart beat.
When you breathe, my breath becomes your breath.
When you send your thoughts into the universe, my thoughts follow suit and become entwined with your thoughts.

How can this happen? How, when we are separate, can such things be?

The answer my dear, lies in the knowing that there is no separation.

Are You Awake?

Are you awake?
Do you cry out in your dreams for a life of something more? Something greater?
Or do you rest peacefully with a knowing that in this state you are simply recharging in order to be on purpose in your waking hours?

Do you see?
Do you gaze upon the illusion thrust before you with a blind eye?
Or do you seek to see behind the curtain, through the fog and the haze, past the simple reflection that has been set in front of you?

Do you listen?
Do you hear the thunderous sounds of chaos that wreak havoc on your soul?
Or can you hear the voices that whisper softly, creating a melodious hum that rides like a warm breeze on a summer day?

Do you feel?
Do you sense the thorns that drag across your skin? Leaving you bleeding and raw?
Or are you enraptured by the softness of feathers dancing around your body?
By the light of the moon which caresses every fiber of your being?

The veil between these worlds is thin.
Light and dark.
Grounded and spirited.
Attached and free.

Make room for play amongst the ruins.
Stay clear and focused in the realms of mystics.
Go forth and unfurl yourself across this wild land.

What am I grateful for?

It is the eve of Thanksgiving, and like most people, I have spent the month giving thought to all of the things I am grateful for this year. It has not been the easiest year, nor will it be easy getting through tomorrow. It is the year of second firsts, and tomorrow marks the first Thanksgiving that my dad is not alive. My husband, brother, my brother’s girlfriend, their beautiful baby girl and I will gather around the dinner table tomorrow as a family to give thanks for all that has come into our lives.

So, what things am I grateful for? My new “Nothin’ but Love” tattoo- which I got in honor of my dad, my family and friends- who have been nothing but supportive these last 7+ months, freshly baked Christmas bread- my grandmother’s recipe that has been handed down, my doula babies- who are a reminder of the cycle of life, and even for my grief. Yup, you heard that right. I am grateful for my grief. It may seem like an odd thing to be grateful for, but truly, it’s not. My grief represents that love that I had/have for my dad. Without it would mean that he was never a part of my life. Without it would mean that this amazing man had no impact on who I have and will continue to become as a woman. Without it would mean I wouldn’t have memories, stories and the hope that all of this represents something bigger than myself. It is impossible and it is heart wrenching, and yet, I wouldn’t trade a moment of it- even as tears stream down my cheeks.

I am grateful to be alive. This grief is a constant reminder that I am very much in fact alive. Do I enjoy this sad feeling that hovers at the base of everything else? No. Of course not. But it is a part of me now, and I have given myself permission to own that. It has become a part of my story. My story is raw and real. I am no longer afraid of the shadows that lurk in the corner, beckoning me to them. I lean into and embrace them. I spend the time I need there, when I need to be there, and when it is time to leave, I step back into the light. I am a soul, living a human experience. How can I not be grateful?

This sense of gratitude goes far beyond Thanksgiving Day- beyond November. I look at everything in my life now, big and small, and I smile. I cherish the relationship I share with my husband even more now than ever. I see the smiles on my yoga students faces after class has ended, and my heart smiles bigger. Even in the struggles of day to day life, I know that magic is afoot and a bigger picture awaits to reveal itself- I simply must be patient. But specifically, for tomorrow, I will be grateful for my dad- for all of the wonderful years we did have together, for Thanksgiving last year when he and my mom were able to join us at the dinner table, and for the love that has continued to burst forth from my heart in every imaginable way.

What are YOU grateful for?,

Stripped Naked

The photo you see before you is not the type of photo of myself I would usually post publicly. My husband just happened to snap this photo late one night while I was sleeping. I debated as to whether or not I wanted to share it. And then I started to look at it more closely. Perhaps through any one set of eyes, this image could be seen in a sensual or sexual nature, but I see something different.

When I look at this photo, I see my grief. For me this picture represents what grief does. It strips you naked. It makes you feel vulnerable and exposed. It makes you want to curl up and escape the world. Just as a photo is a timeless moment captured, this is the impression grief can leave. It can create a sense of permanence- as if it will be with you always. My logical mind can rationalize this thought and I know it not to be true. Grief is energy and energy moves. But that’s the funny thing about grief- rational thought often gets thrown right out the proverbial window.

Here’s the flip side. There is innocence in this photo. There is tenderness and beauty. There is vulnerability, but in a good way. There is love, compassion, and forgiveness. There is recognition that I will wake up from this slumber to a brand new day. And a new day means possibility. And hope. And magic.

*

This photo is an incredibly beautiful reminder to me of my grief.

Nothin’ but LOVE.

This is from Happily Homeless (my mom- who also happens to be the other half of MoonStruck and my dad- who died April 21, 2013). I wanted to share this with all of you. It has brought a sense of peace, hope and above all, a message of Great Love. We should all be so lucky to experience such a blessing…

~This is long but bear with it. A woman spoke to me last night at a womens’ circle that I attended. Unsolicited, expecting nothing from me. And proceeded to tell me things from Handsome Husband. I’m an all kinds of skeptical person at times. There are 2 phrases in this from him that are, word for word, things that he spoke either about me or directly to me. And the part about being a team? We said that to each other frequently, especially in hospice. This is what Susan said to me and then emailed to me:

“Please know that our sharing is a great blessing for me, too. It was a privilege to be the conduit of that hug and feel the boundless, unconditional love between you. He says, “You may have your doubts (in life) but NEVER DOUBT THAT.” (The love you share). And he emphasizes “share”, in the present tense, saying, “It is alive still, and I am alive, more than I have ever been, more than I could ever dream. It’s so beautiful. We’ve been a lot of places, but this place beats ’em all! I can’t wait to show you, and you know I’ll be there when you come, but don’t you go hurrying! You’ve still got stuff to do, and I’ll be there to help you, every step of the way, because that’s how we do things. We made an agreement, didn’t we? To stick together. We can’t let a little thing like this slow us down. Keep your head up, I’ve got you!” And he likes the pink and the new hair and says it’s sexy! Now I was hesitant to write that, but he assures me you’re okay with it. And there’s something else he’s telling me. While he is light-hearted and humorous, he’s serious about this, and if he could place his hands on both your shoulders and look you straight in the eye and say this, he would. He says, “Don’t go feeling bad for me. Don’t feel guilty.” He wants you to open your heart (as you said last night) and when the times comes to receive the love, to go forward fully, without reservation. That love is good, that love for one doesn’t diminish love for another, and if it comes your way, embrace it because it’s all One. “I’d give it all to you, but you already have it.” And he smiles as he says this, like a parent watching their child take its first steps, because he says you know deep down that it’s true. He also says to give you more credit than that! And infers to me that “She might be small but she’s a pistol!” That when you set your mind to something, you do it, and he’s laughing now, saying “It would take a bigger man than me to get in her way!” He liked to watch you in action, that you’re a little powerhouse, a little tank! That the car suits you perfectly. “One thing my wife is not: subtle!” Of those who have communicated with me over the years, I must say that he is the most fun, simply because his simplicity, lightheartedness, and humor are just contagious. He puts one at ease immediately, and you just know that all is well.

About the bell: I want to elaborate about how the bell is the buddhist symbol for the divine feminine wisdom and the emptiness that contains All; about how it is a call to mindfulness, and being in the present moment; about how I know these things because of my familiarity with buddhism and that he would know that I know and would make that connection, but I suspect you may find yourself hearing bells at just the right times and he says he wants to “have fun with it”. As for his comment about, “I heard bells!”, it is not uncommon for those who are transitioning to hear the celestial music. I was incredibly blessed to hear such a thing while in a light sleep recently, and it was the most glorious sound I’ve ever heard, like an ocean of tiny glass bells in scintillating harmony. It was truly the sound of joy.

Pay attention to the signs, both metaphorically/metaphysically, and the road signs. Things will catch your eye; let them inspire you. When this happens, he says, “Just smile and keep going!”
“I won’t leave you without a map.”

I told you last night that I know you will succeed; he tells me now (and proudly): “She already did!”

Additionally, he communicated to her last night, and she to me, the words “Of all that was good in my life, the greatest gift was you.” In one of our few private conversations in hospice, those were his words, followed by “Saying goodbye to “us” is the hardest part of all of this.”

Life and Death

We are all born and we all die. This has me thinking about the Hindu Goddess Kali- goddess of destruction and creation. One does not exist without the other. It is strange for me to think that the last time I spent any part of my life in a hospital was when my dad found out he had terminal cancer. And now just 9 weeks, almost to the day since his death, I spent my night in a hospital room to watch a new life be born. Full circle indeed.

As a doula I am not new to birth, however this was the first birth I was witness to involving a new little member of my family. It was joyous. And beautiful. And heartbreaking. It was an experience we were all wishing my dad was here to see. There were also moments during labor for me that flooded my head with flashbacks~ the mama-to-be in her hospital bed, the blood pressure cuff, the adjusting of pillows to get comfortable~ little things such as these tugging at my heartstrings. One of the most beautiful/heart wrenching moments for me though was watching my brother hold little M in his arms as he held up a picture of our dad for her to gaze upon. There is no doubt in my mind that she will know her grandfather, and in my heart I feel that they have already met.

Life and death. So interconnected. It amazes me how one can feel such sorrow while simultaneously being so full of love you feel like you might just bust! And that’s where I am at. I look at this beautiful little niece of mine and already my heart just wants to explode. I can only imagine what her parents must be feeling! Such a sweet, innocent and magical soul this earth has just been graced with.

Welcome little M. May your path in life be filled with sparkle, enchantments, empowerment and divine love. I look forward to watching you grow into the woman you are destined to become.

Makayla Rose born June 22, 2013 at 5:52am

What is LOVE?

LOVE is everything. LOVE is everywhere. It’s in the breaths between lovers. It’s in the gaze of a mother as she looks upon her newborn baby. It’s a star shooting across the night sky. Love shows up in the monotony of day to day life and then in large unexpected ways. It’s right in front of us when we need it the most and other times requires a bit of searching. But it’s always there.

Many discussions about love have been had in recent months. It has kind of been the theme of my life- partly because it’s had to. Ever evolving, the spiraling nature of this action has been a constant presence in my world. It ebbs and flows, expands and contracts- some moments spent as the receiver and some as the giver.

I’m not sure if there is an “official” term for one who studies LOVE. I suppose I could make one up. Loveologist? There is the term erotology which is the study of the science of love but I’m not sure if that is exactly what I am looking for or not. Love in some form or another has been in existence since the dawn of time- I believe it’s how this entire universe was created (though scientists may disagree). I have always delighted in a good love story- I suppose they are typically written in terms of romance though. I want to explore all of the many ways LOVE has spanned across time and space. How do other cultures express their love? How has love been represented in our history of the human race? Where did the symbol of the heart come from and why do we associate that image with love? What does love mean in the religious sense? What are the chemical reactions that occur in the brain when one experiences love? And how does that translate when comparing romantic love to platonic love? For some, love is such a complicated concept and yet it is actually quite simple. Sure at times it can be a challenge but it is those times when we need it the most. So go ahead~ Open. Live love. Be love.

How will YOU choose to LOVE?

Signs

For the most part, I believe in them. Or maybe it’s more of a I need to believe in them. And it seems to be more necessary now that my dad has died. I want to be able to connect with him so I “talk” to him through the moon, a butterfly that floats by, and other small unexpected things. As he was dying, there was a constant stream of hummingbirds that made their presence known to a few of my family members, as well as fluttering outside of my dad’s hospice room- so now everytime I see one I say “hello” to my dad.

I think it is possible to connect with spirits and other beings in realms that exist beyond ours. I think this is possible because everything is energy- and energy has the ability to show itself in many different ways. This is why I believe in magic. This is why I believe in love. Anyone and everyone is capable of this type of communication. It is simply a matter of tapping into that deeply rooted part of our intuition. It can be done with practice but I also believe it can happen unexpectedly. Sometimes the very act of trying too hard can set up boundaries. It is when we soften and allow ourselves to remain fully open in our hearts that these experiences can make themselves known to us. 

My soon-to-be niece will be making her grand presence into our world at any moment. I have had this image of my dad sitting with her and sharing his widely known words of wisdom as she prepares for her life in our world. I like the idea of them getting to know one another as grandfather and granddaughter- wherever their souls currently reside. I believe this time is near and my dad is watching out over all of us and sending his love which became all the more apparent as my mum, her dear friend and I were watching television this evening. I took a picture of what we saw (see photo). This little white heart came across the screen as a great big sign- not as a part of the commercial or movie we were watching- but in the screen itself. It spent some time here, and then *poof* it was gone! These are the signs. These are the reminders that the ones we love are always and forever with us. My father has died but my love for him has not. So where does the love go? Apparently everywhere…including my TV.

Story.

I’ve been thinking about my story lately. Everyone has one. And as long as you are alive, your story continues to be written. I am not yet the woman I want to be. I envision who I desire to be. I know that I am open to that path that may lead me there. Some say that there is plenty of time- I am only 31. Given that I was recently witness to my father dying brings me to a realization that it is not the time that we have that matters. Who knows how long any of us really have? I could live to be 100 or die tomorrow. With that in mind, and an understanding that it is not coming from a place of fear but rather the desire to live presently, I want my story to unfold in such a way that if I did die tomorrow. my heart would be full.

For many years I have envisioned this idea of who I think I am destined to become. I feel her- in every fiber of my being. I seem however to be currently lacking the devotion necessary to bring her to life. I’m not exactly sure why that is. Laziness? Fear? Doubt? All of the above? There has always been a place inside of me searching for something- an unquenched thirst. For the longest time I assumed that feeling would be filled when I became a mother. I am slowly starting to question whether or not that is in fact true for me. I am not sure how to even fully explain it. I think I saw carrying a child, giving birth and raising that child with unconditional love as an extension of spiritual awakening. And I think that would be the case were I ever to birth a child. However, the more I contemplate what that truly represents for me, the more I wonder if it really is just a deeper sense of connection to God that I seek- a feeling of unconditional love which I believe can come from a divine union between myself and God. I sense that I am starting to be open to the idea that having a baby is not the only way to do that.

I am reading a book called Awakening Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga by Sally Kempton. It is based on the Hindu tantric traditions. I personally don’t conform to any particular doctrine or religious practice but this book speaks to me. I am a yoga teacher, I am intrigued by all things mystical, I connect to the idea of earth spirit/mother nature. I believe that God (universal energy, Shakti, supreme being- whatever you want to call it) is everywhere and is everyone. I don’t believe that God is male or female but instead has many facets that can be represented as male or female and appear to us in many forms (hence the many gods and goddesses throughout different cultures). I believe God is Love. I believe that Love is Magic. There is so much inside of me yearning to be set free.

I want to commit myself to myself. I want to embrace my light, my darkness and all the space inbetween. I am a women searching. This is my time and this is my story.