What am I grateful for?

It is the eve of Thanksgiving, and like most people, I have spent the month giving thought to all of the things I am grateful for this year. It has not been the easiest year, nor will it be easy getting through tomorrow. It is the year of second firsts, and tomorrow marks the first Thanksgiving that my dad is not alive. My husband, brother, my brother’s girlfriend, their beautiful baby girl and I will gather around the dinner table tomorrow as a family to give thanks for all that has come into our lives.

So, what things am I grateful for? My new “Nothin’ but Love” tattoo- which I got in honor of my dad, my family and friends- who have been nothing but supportive these last 7+ months, freshly baked Christmas bread- my grandmother’s recipe that has been handed down, my doula babies- who are a reminder of the cycle of life, and even for my grief. Yup, you heard that right. I am grateful for my grief. It may seem like an odd thing to be grateful for, but truly, it’s not. My grief represents that love that I had/have for my dad. Without it would mean that he was never a part of my life. Without it would mean that this amazing man had no impact on who I have and will continue to become as a woman. Without it would mean I wouldn’t have memories, stories and the hope that all of this represents something bigger than myself. It is impossible and it is heart wrenching, and yet, I wouldn’t trade a moment of it- even as tears stream down my cheeks.

I am grateful to be alive. This grief is a constant reminder that I am very much in fact alive. Do I enjoy this sad feeling that hovers at the base of everything else? No. Of course not. But it is a part of me now, and I have given myself permission to own that. It has become a part of my story. My story is raw and real. I am no longer afraid of the shadows that lurk in the corner, beckoning me to them. I lean into and embrace them. I spend the time I need there, when I need to be there, and when it is time to leave, I step back into the light. I am a soul, living a human experience. How can I not be grateful?

This sense of gratitude goes far beyond Thanksgiving Day- beyond November. I look at everything in my life now, big and small, and I smile. I cherish the relationship I share with my husband even more now than ever. I see the smiles on my yoga students faces after class has ended, and my heart smiles bigger. Even in the struggles of day to day life, I know that magic is afoot and a bigger picture awaits to reveal itself- I simply must be patient. But specifically, for tomorrow, I will be grateful for my dad- for all of the wonderful years we did have together, for Thanksgiving last year when he and my mom were able to join us at the dinner table, and for the love that has continued to burst forth from my heart in every imaginable way.

What are YOU grateful for?,