A heavy heart

I was awakened around 4am this morning with heaping sobs coming from my body. They were some of the most intense tears I have had in awhile. So much so that I actually felt sick. My dad appeared in my dream last night. I was standing in the kitchen with my brother. Suddenly my dad was walking towards me. I was in shock. He has appeared before but he was with me a bit longer this time. This time I was able to hug him- and it was the most real feeling in the world. I could actually physically remember what it felt like to have him put his arms around me. He was younger and healthy looking. I just kept telling him how much I missed him and he kept responding by telling me that he missed me too. He started to head upstairs saying that he needed to say hello to my siblings. For some reason I wasn’t able to follow him. Once I woke up, I sat in my living room awhile in the dark, tears continuing to stream down my cheeks.

I went back to bed after about 45 minutes. I had another dream. In this experience, I was standing with my mom at an ice skating rink where my niece and nephew were playing. We were at the counter talking to the cashier waiting for my dad to show up. It was in that very same moment, within my dream, that I realized that part of my life was over. He wasn’t going to be showing up anymore…for anything. And my heart was broken all over again.

His memorial service is in 3 weeks. I will be performing a hoop dance to honor him. It’s something he always got a kick out of watching me do. I have chosen a particular song to dance to. One that speaks to my heart and that I feel represents my dad and where his soul now resides. I wanted to provide a description of the meaning of this dance and song. My mom is putting together a program for the service and she needed it no later than tomorrow. With a heavy heart, I walked to the business center and opened my computer. I felt the keys under my fingertips and knew that this was going to be one of the hardest things I have ever written. It’s not a very long description, but I still had to fight back the tears with each keystroke.

“I can interpret one of the many aspects of the hoop to represent the spiral of grief. Within the dance there is energy. There are highs and lows. There is continuous movement and there are stalls. The dance is a moving meditation. When I get inside my hoop I lead with my heart and hold a space of love. 

 

The song ‘The Mountain’ speaks of the metaphorical spiritual mountains that dwell within each one of us. We climb and descend many, but in the end the peak is the final resting place. A place where there is no want- no need. It speaks of the goodness of heart and a return to love. This is a place I know my dad now lives. And that brings me peace.”

Grief sucks.

Expectations

We all have them. Sometimes they seem too high. Sometimes we don’t set them high enough. The topic came up today while the other half of MoonStruck and I were sitting by a fountain in a outdoor shopping area. Do we as women want too much? I look at my life and it’s pretty good. Married to a man I love, live in a nice home, my “jobs” consist of teaching and doing things I am passionate about and yet, there still seems to be this looming sensation that “something” is missing. I need more. Are my expectation to unrealistic?

I don’t have children, which gives me the freedom and flexibility to come and go and do things as I please, but would having them be enough to fulfill me? Personally, I don’t believe so (and believe me, I would love to be a mother!). I know there are mothers out there who live and breathe their children and that is wonderful if that is their path, but do they want anything more than that? Because I don’t currently have kids, I have expressed to my husband that I need more from our marriage. Not that it is even remotely close to being awful- we deeply love one another and share much in common- but I want to be so head-over-heels in love with one another that we make people nauseous. I want us to live in our own private world that only we have access to. I want more passion and adventure!

Now I am not limiting this to my marriage only. I want all of these things to cross every aspect of my life. I feel like I need more magic in my waking moments. I believe life should be colorful, full of whimsy and rich with love. Much of this is fully present in my world, but I feel like there could be more. It seems easy to speak the words and have the ideas- however, I find myself yearning to translate these affirmations into a daily living practice. I seem to have this idea that once I actually open MoonStruck, this will provide the space that inspires these actions. Almost as though it will become some sort of temple for me. I thrive in the company of strong, creative and passionate women. I am inspired by inspiration.

Certainly each moment is a choice. How will I choose to receive this moment? Will I see it as an opportunity to grow? Will I look beyond the surface to find the magic within? When life is happily and smoothly sailing by, the response is easy. The world is seen through rose colored glasses and we act accordingly. But it is in those times of discomfort, pain and/or struggle that we find ourselves challenged. I suppose this is what most of us are constantly trying to “work” through. The idea of being in a constant state of bliss just does not seem very realistic to most. So, does that mean that my expectations are just too far out there? If I continue to surround myself with positive and magic-like beings, is it possible to achieve this state of existence? I know the choice ultimately comes from within, but perhaps invoking this energy from as many sources as possible will allow the energy to permeate my soul until it has no other option other than to be joyous and magical at all times. It is a work in progress.

In the meantime, I will continue to leave a trail of glitter wherever I walk, keep my wish box full of wishes and admire my new little snow globe that holds my totem (an elephant).

Our many faces

I have been having many recent conversations with my mum about wishing, manifesting, purpose and spirituality. She is opening unknown doors with a new sense of curiosity and awareness, and it is beautiful. From all these talks has come inspiration by the bucket-loads and has me thinking- thinking about who I want to be. And it’s not so much that I don’t already know, but more about digging down deep to realize “her” in my truest form.

I have had many jobs and many interests but I feel like society tells you that you should probably just be one thing and stick with it. Establish yourself. Have a career. Blah, blah, blah. How does one ever just stay one thing? Where is the fun in that? I have been a floral designer, I teach yoga and hula hooping. I am certified in Thai Yoga Bodywork and Reiki. I am a doula. I want to study herbalism. I want to cast spells and make magic. I want to dive deeper into my yoga practice. Is it possible to be and do all of these things successfully? Or do all of these things send mixed signals into the Universe about what I want? What do I want? I want to be this multi-dimensional, colorful, live outside of the box, interesting and passionate woman! I think I have come to realize that I can be all of these things. Each one is a facet of myself. They are simply creative extensions of my soul.

The Universe is not, nor has it ever been a clean, clear-cut or organized living thing, so I believe it is a fair assumption that we are not meant to be that way either. It was formed from chaos, creating a beautiful spectacle among itself. It expands and contracts in any given moment. Stars explode, life is created and we have been selected to take part in this sacred experiment. With all of that going on, who are we to limit ourselves? Our souls are as infinite as this Universe and mine is just trying to find as many ways possible to express itself.

2013

Dear 2013,

Get ready to have your world rocked!

Sincerely,

MoonStruck sparkle goddess

Happy MOONday!

Reach for the moon!

Even if you miss, you will land among the stars.

One step at a time…

As you may know, MoonStruck is a brand new venture. One that still has a lot of work ahead. We are feeling ready to move forward into the next phase. Our next step consists of creating a business plan. Right now we are planning to reach out to everyone and anyone who might be interested in helping us achieve our goal. Whether you have personal experience creating business plans or starting a business or know someone who could be of assistance, we welcome it all! Any support offered at this time would have to be done pro bono as we do not yet have incoming funds.

Phase two of this plan is to look for investors! Of course we are looking for anyone who is passionate about what we are trying to create and would love to see MoonStruck come to fruition! Resources pointing us in the direction of financing women in small business would be helpful. Ideally we see ourselves not having to take out much in the way of loans but would love if a wealthy philanthropist type would come along our way 😉

So readers/followers/supporters of MoonStruck, if you have any words of wisdom, advice, suggestions, resources, talents or $$ that you would love to offer, we welcome it!

Dream It. Do It.

Opening and Flowing

Setting goals, realizing dreams and feeling the flow- that’s what I’m all about these days. It’s difficult to sit still when you recognize what your purpose in life is. But alas, patience is a virtue. MoonStruck is a dream slowly coming to fruition. For being 30, I feel grateful that I have known what my path is in this life for as long as I have. The exact manifestation may have slightly changed course over the years but the foundation has always been the same. All of these “little” things I do are ultimately just an extension of the grand picture. I see now how all of the different seeds I have planted come from one large garden.

As my husband and I get ready to set out on a 6 week adventure into the great lands of the west, I suspect this will be a time for reflection and inspiration. We will be spending much time in nature by way of tent. This has always been a special time for me. There is something so natural about syncing your body with the rise and setting of the sun. I find magic in dancing around campfires under the moon. My emotional and spiritual being resonates with the ebb and flow of the cleansing rivers. I always notice that as the river flows, my heart opens and I release tears, as though the river flows into my body, through my heart and out of my eyes. It has always proved to be a profound experience.

Upon our return, I foresee a shift. Shifting into the next phase- for MoonStruck but also myself. The stage has been set and now gently simmers until all the ingredients have perfectly blended.