Story.

I’ve been thinking about my story lately. Everyone has one. And as long as you are alive, your story continues to be written. I am not yet the woman I want to be. I envision who I desire to be. I know that I am open to that path that may lead me there. Some say that there is plenty of time- I am only 31. Given that I was recently witness to my father dying brings me to a realization that it is not the time that we have that matters. Who knows how long any of us really have? I could live to be 100 or die tomorrow. With that in mind, and an understanding that it is not coming from a place of fear but rather the desire to live presently, I want my story to unfold in such a way that if I did die tomorrow. my heart would be full.

For many years I have envisioned this idea of who I think I am destined to become. I feel her- in every fiber of my being. I seem however to be currently lacking the devotion necessary to bring her to life. I’m not exactly sure why that is. Laziness? Fear? Doubt? All of the above? There has always been a place inside of me searching for something- an unquenched thirst. For the longest time I assumed that feeling would be filled when I became a mother. I am slowly starting to question whether or not that is in fact true for me. I am not sure how to even fully explain it. I think I saw carrying a child, giving birth and raising that child with unconditional love as an extension of spiritual awakening. And I think that would be the case were I ever to birth a child. However, the more I contemplate what that truly represents for me, the more I wonder if it really is just a deeper sense of connection to God that I seek- a feeling of unconditional love which I believe can come from a divine union between myself and God. I sense that I am starting to be open to the idea that having a baby is not the only way to do that.

I am reading a book called Awakening Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga by Sally Kempton. It is based on the Hindu tantric traditions. I personally don’t conform to any particular doctrine or religious practice but this book speaks to me. I am a yoga teacher, I am intrigued by all things mystical, I connect to the idea of earth spirit/mother nature. I believe that God (universal energy, Shakti, supreme being- whatever you want to call it) is everywhere and is everyone. I don’t believe that God is male or female but instead has many facets that can be represented as male or female and appear to us in many forms (hence the many gods and goddesses throughout different cultures). I believe God is Love. I believe that Love is Magic. There is so much inside of me yearning to be set free.

I want to commit myself to myself. I want to embrace my light, my darkness and all the space inbetween. I am a women searching. This is my time and this is my story.