A heavy heart

I was awakened around 4am this morning with heaping sobs coming from my body. They were some of the most intense tears I have had in awhile. So much so that I actually felt sick. My dad appeared in my dream last night. I was standing in the kitchen with my brother. Suddenly my dad was walking towards me. I was in shock. He has appeared before but he was with me a bit longer this time. This time I was able to hug him- and it was the most real feeling in the world. I could actually physically remember what it felt like to have him put his arms around me. He was younger and healthy looking. I just kept telling him how much I missed him and he kept responding by telling me that he missed me too. He started to head upstairs saying that he needed to say hello to my siblings. For some reason I wasn’t able to follow him. Once I woke up, I sat in my living room awhile in the dark, tears continuing to stream down my cheeks.

I went back to bed after about 45 minutes. I had another dream. In this experience, I was standing with my mom at an ice skating rink where my niece and nephew were playing. We were at the counter talking to the cashier waiting for my dad to show up. It was in that very same moment, within my dream, that I realized that part of my life was over. He wasn’t going to be showing up anymore…for anything. And my heart was broken all over again.

His memorial service is in 3 weeks. I will be performing a hoop dance to honor him. It’s something he always got a kick out of watching me do. I have chosen a particular song to dance to. One that speaks to my heart and that I feel represents my dad and where his soul now resides. I wanted to provide a description of the meaning of this dance and song. My mom is putting together a program for the service and she needed it no later than tomorrow. With a heavy heart, I walked to the business center and opened my computer. I felt the keys under my fingertips and knew that this was going to be one of the hardest things I have ever written. It’s not a very long description, but I still had to fight back the tears with each keystroke.

“I can interpret one of the many aspects of the hoop to represent the spiral of grief. Within the dance there is energy. There are highs and lows. There is continuous movement and there are stalls. The dance is a moving meditation. When I get inside my hoop I lead with my heart and hold a space of love. 

 

The song ‘The Mountain’ speaks of the metaphorical spiritual mountains that dwell within each one of us. We climb and descend many, but in the end the peak is the final resting place. A place where there is no want- no need. It speaks of the goodness of heart and a return to love. This is a place I know my dad now lives. And that brings me peace.”

Grief sucks.

World Hoop Day

Yes, there is such a thing and this is how I spent mine!

My family and I spent the day in Sedona, AZ and this photo is from our hike up to Devil’s Bridge. Pretty majestic shot if I do say so myself.

Inner Fire

We all have it. And it comes out in many different ways. Last night however, I released my inner fire by actually playing with fire! It was my second burn and it went much better than my first (on account of my hoop being lighter and staying together). My parents accompanied me to a fire and drum circle under the full moon last night. It was magical. Performers and vendors gathered to share their love and passion of the arts. There is just something about these types of events that bring the most beautiful people together.

I met a lovely woman who let me spin with one of her extra fire hoops. I was a bit nervous but only about hooping in front of so many people- I decided to get over it because I didn’t want to miss this opportunity. I stripped down to minimal clothing. lit up and began to dance in my circle of fire. The whole experience is rather primal. The heat from the fire gently brushes your skin, the whooshing sound of the flames taunt your ears and the burning glow of light dances in the dark. There really is no true way to fully describe the sensations…

Whether dancing with fire or without, the magic that comes from the body moving to the beat of a drum is enchanting. It is a form of expression that unites us across cultures and borders. You don’t have to be a professional to enjoy dance- all that is required is that you move with your heart. Be open. Be free. Release your inner fire.

Click here to watch me spin fire for my 2nd time!